When I go out with my best friend Shirley, people often ask if we are sisters, even though we don’t look similar at all. Shirley has dark hair, dark eyes, and very fair skin; while I also have fair skin, I have blonde hair and blue eyes. We’ve been asked that so many times that it’s almost become a bit funny.
“No,” we would tell the person asking, “we are in-laws of our ex-wives.”
This always brings a burst of laughter, and when we share our stories, it also manages to bring a moment of relaxation to those we meet.
Behind this story that we present as a little joke to others, there is a unique bond that not many people may be able to understand. This bond is formed through various trials, continuously strengthened by an unspoken trust and dedication, and finally, it is enriched with a lot of laughter and joy.
Our connection is very special.
"Our husband" – that's how we referred to him – really hoped that Shirley and I would get to know each other before they got married. He and I have two sons, while Shirley lives with the two sons from her previous marriage; their ages are about the same as my children's.
This means that, as mothers of boys, we naturally have many common topics to talk about; and it later turned out that we also share similar interests in music, art, and books.
An important moment in my life occurred in the early days of Shirley's marriage to “our husband.” Not long before Prince passed away, Shirley and I went to one of his concerts together. I will never forget that night, and I am also very grateful for having had the opportunity to see him perform in person. Looking back now, I can see the sparks of our friendship beginning to shine that very evening.
However, what's strange is that I think the night when our friendship truly began was the day that Diane Sawyer's interview with Caitlyn Jenner was broadcast. For me, it was an event that existed within the cultural atmosphere of that time, as if it were meant to be witnessed together with others. Coincidentally, all four of our sons were in the same swimming team, and there happened to be a competition on the night the show aired. So, I took the initiative to create that opportunity. That evening, “our husbands” were at work, so I told her I would bring food over to make dinner for everyone. I went to her house – which she shared with “our husband”; of course, he was also my ex-husband – and then we made dinner for ourselves and the children, had some wine, and watched that interview together. It was from that moment that our friendship began to grow.
Not everyone accepted it at the beginning.
It was only a long time later that Shirley told me that at first, she found it strange that I, as the ex-wife of “our husband,” was so persistent in wanting to be friends with her.
She said that her mother told her at the time, “I think you might as well accept it. I feel like she already considers you friends.” The truth is, I simply liked her, and we had a lot in common. However, what her mother said was also true. I won’t leave.
This relationship has been constantly evolving.
Regrettably, Shirley's marriage to "our husband" ended after four years. She said that it was after all that happened that I helped her pick herself back up again. I don't quite see it that way myself; I was just there for my friend. She emerged from that crisis like a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon, and our friendship was also tempered to a new level after going through that test. Throughout this process, we shared the crises and joys of parenting, the struggles and successes in our careers, as well as the scares related to our personal health.
More about friendship
Later on, we went through another event that shattered us both at our very core. We both took care of our elderly mothers, and after they passed away one after the other, the bond between us became even stronger.
For a daughter, losing one's mother is an event that can change one's life. In addition to that, as a family caregiver, participating in that extremely exhausting daily process of accompanying the person one loves towards and through the end of their life is a solemn responsibility. For those who have not experienced it, the nuances and feelings involved are almost indescribable.
And it just so happened that, by a series of coincidences, Shelley took that path before me and also accompanied me along the way. Along the way, we supported each other through tears and laughter. Shelley's mother passed away on March 18, 2019. Three years later, on March 16, my mother passed away as well. Not long after her death, Shelley, "our husbands," and I sat in my living room, raised our favorite drink—a gin and tonic—to pay tribute to her and commemorate the brave battle she had just completed.
"Our husbands" also have their own thoughts.
So, how does “our husband” feel about me and Shirley being so close? For him, it’s probably like going through the five stages of grief. First is denial. He tries to deny that we have truly become friends. He must think that we’re just pretending to be friends—that’s obviously just a performance, and we’re doing it just to annoy him. Then comes anger. Obviously, we are indeed friends, and in his view, that’s completely inappropriate. Next is bargaining. If we stop seeing each other, he will treat us better. Then, of course, there’s depression. Yes, Shirley and I are indeed friends, and that’s simply terrible. Now, we’ve reached acceptance. Sometimes, he even refers to her as my “girlfriend.”
Of course, many years have passed since then, and I am willing to believe that all three of us have grown a lot. Sherry and “our husband” have been divorced for 10 years now. My relationship with “our husband” has also gone through many changes. I have been divorced from him for 14 years, and we have been separated for 17 years. Most importantly, he gave me the greatest gift a person can give another: the opportunity to become a mother. We have two wonderful sons who have now grown up, entered society, and become contributing members of it.
At that time, he didn't know that during his second divorce, he would give me another wonderful gift as well.
He brought the best friend of my life, the one who understood me the most, to be by my side.
